Mommies

The 1st pic is my mother and I on my first b-day, she died when I was 3. The second pic is me and my oldest son on his first birthday. I added the reflective water trying to achieve the idea of reflecting on life, but it obviously didn't work. I also wanted the image to be more square than oblong. I'll figure out something to do with the 2 merged pics, because I think there is something poetic about it, I just have to wait for a flash of inspiration. I had REALLY hoped to have something to honor her by Jan. 3rd, the anniversary of her death, but it's too painful of a time for me and I emerged myself in self-protective Blingee distractions that day. Grief is such a cycle that never ever ends. it's not really 5 stages and then your done. It's 5 stages that you loop back through at varying degrees throughout the rest of your life. And when you lose a parent, especially so young, your grief is more about the parts of the person you never got the chance to know, rather than the person themselves. And its about the life that you lost for yourself-the chance of normalcy and to go through all of the gloriously difficult stages a mother and daughter naturally need to go through as you become a woman. The idolization of her, the jealousy of her, the disillusionment of her imperfections, the separation emotionally as you pull away, and the coming back to her as you become a wife, and especially a mother yourself. This picture reminds me of a circle that could never be completed, when I would have come back to her in motherhood, and shared with her the fears and glories and first moments when you become a new mom. The void that her death left in my life was instead filled with the cycle of grief. You grow around it, like a knot in a tree, and like any wounded animal, you learn to hide your weakness from others because you learn that there are too many wolves in sheep clothing who sniff out weakness and prey in secret on those without protection. You forever live trying to balance the need to hide your pain, with the more desperate need to connect with people because the pain of solitude that comes from a lack of intimacy is worse than death itself. Balance in a turbulent life is impossible to ever find.

Palavras-chave:

gloria

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